Barely into the middle of the week, I suddenly have a sudden urge to drop everything I'm doing, head home, pack my backpack and board a plane to somewhere.....anywhere.
No....work ain't that horrible but I have a creepy suspicion that my impending casualty posting is scaring the shit out of me even before I step foot into that department.
I know...I should be outpouring all my positive-thinking-manifestation shit at this very moment but my brain, on autopilot tells me straightaway to run far far away.....and preferably never to return.
Well....considering its halfway into the working week (since this Friday is Independence Day), I spent most of my lunch time looking at Instagram photos of beaches, sunrises & sunsets, far away lands and rugged mountain horizons.
Daydreaming about being anywhere but here definitely did make my day move along so much faster.
(and I'm pretty damn sure I am not the only daydreamer out there going through the same motions today)
Perhaps it's due to the lack of endorphins for the past 2 days.
* My communion with nature...
* Not much of a view...but a view nonetheless....
* Everyone wants to run.....
I needed the rest.
My knees needed a rest.
My ankles concurred on the necessary rest.
My quads argued for more sleep.
My mind says we should go watch a movie......(we did....Premium Rush.....Joseph Gordon Levitt was freakin hot on that beat-up fixie.....my mind was absolutely delighted)
Maybe I'm bored.
I am definitely restless.
Maybe I need more exercise.
Maybe I need to drag my sorry arse back to the Bikram studio.
Maybe I need ice cream.
Maybe.....a teeny-weeny maybe....I need another holiday.
I'm definitely voting for another holiday although a bystander to my life would disagree wholeheartedly with the reason being I've been on one holiday too many.
I'd then would like to say that the bystander is totally jealous, probably working one overtime too many, probably buckling under the burden of too many responsibilities and most likely does not agree to the statement of enjoying life to the fullest when one is young and still has functioning knees.
But of course everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion.
So what's the point of this blog post again?
I don't really know.
I just know that I can't wait for my 2 months at Casualty to be done and over with so I can go back to enjoying my minimal-burden life.
* Perhaps some doughnuts would cheer me up...but then I remembered that I preferred cupcakes....
Anyway....been doing a bit of reading lately.
I swear this month has been superbly productive in the reading department and I'm going through my 7th book of the month.
Currently am enjoying Scott Jurek's 'Eat & Run - My Unlikely Journey to Ultramarathon Greatness', and am welcoming the joyfulness of a non-fiction genre.
(Chuck Palahniuk's 'Fight Club' was terribly disturbing...)
And I have to say, as I journey with Mr. Jurek from his humble beginnings, his rigid upbringing and the people he met along the way....I'm starting to appreciate the hard work this man put into....well, everything!
His dedication....his focus....his pain.....his compassion....his love.....
Totally bowled me over.
The worse part being...it made me look at my dietary habits.....again.
Still....I like to believe nothing would ever change my mind about going back to my vegan days....and so far, I'm holding steadfast to that belief.
(but then again his argument for a vegan diet is mostly for health benefits)
I wouldn't say that my years as a vegan and later as a vegetarian was a waste of time.....
In fact I'd say those were the most informative years of my life.
You see.....I was a vegetarian for 10 years of my life....2 out of that I was a vegan.
I was young....idealistic....and yearning to make a difference.
I said I was against animal cruelty and I took my stand.
I said I was for the environment and I took my stand.
I said I will campaign for animal liberation and I took my stand.
I seek....I read....and I learnt.
I learnt about the abuse....the cruelty.....the industry....the filth....the inhumanity.....the profits....the greed....the inpact.....the effect.
I learnt what was my meal before it was served up on my plate.
I learnt what went into making the food I usually take for granted.
I learnt the processes that took place which I prefer to imagine did not exist.
I was disgusted.
I was enlightened.
And I faltered.
Do I regret going back on a promise I made to myself when I was 17?
As I grew older, I no longer hold that strongly onto my ideals.
I learnt there are no ideals....or not those that you can hold strongly onto.
You just work with what you've got to work with.
I consciously decided I wasn't going to consume meat.....and later consciously decided that I was.
But now.....I no longer see it as a patty, a steak, a burger, a meat ball, a nugget, a cup of milk.
I see it for what it is....or rather what it was.
I see it for the animal farming that it was....the bloodshed....the pain....the inhumanity.....the downside.
And I accept.
I accept that I'm part of the problem....and I accept that with every mouthful, I am contributing to the perpetuation of the issue.
And I accept.
I no longer eat with blind ignorance. I know where my food came from.
And yes...it came from a living, breathing, feeling being.
And I accept.
Part of me....a small part of me that held on tightly to my old ideals.....still hold out for the solution.
Perhaps one day.....not anytime soon.....but one day.....I may go back on that path.
But for now....I know the path....I just choose not to walk it yet.
* My name is Puisan...and I'm a bloody hypocrite....and I accept.
In the mean time, let me continue daydreaming about holidays......
* From better times.....sigh