Wednesday night, 11pm......I'm rolling around in bed, eyes wide open, my thoughts going faster than Lance Armstrong at Tour De France.
I just took my antidepressant after a 3 full months of total hiatus from it.....and a benzodiazepine.
In fact, I took them both almost an hour plus ago.
On the good side, I'm no longer sobbing uncontrollably for no apparent reason......and I don't feel the doom and gloom that I was experiencing a couple of hours ago.
Backtracking several days back.....
Friday, 19th August 2011.....
I just got back from dinner with Chubie and had a massive Korean pig out....and then adjourned to some bubble tea place for dessert.
Nothing would particularly strike me as odd.
I got home....prepared for tomorrow morning's early run.
Washed up and jumped under the blanket by 11pm.
Late by usual standards but what the hell.
I lay in bed...eyes wide open.
Checked the phone....12am.
Damn....only 5 hours more to sleep.
C'mon Puisan....sleep sleep SLEEP!!!!
Check phone again.......1.30am.
This is not helping.
I was too lazy to get up to do anything.
Check phone one more time.....3am.
The last I remembered was the alarm going off at 5.30am.
Time to roll off the bed and prep for morning run.
I still felt fine.
Kinda like doing a shitty surgical houseman on-call and was given a luxurious 2 hours of sleep before presenting your cases to the specialists and getting fucked for it....you'll survive.
After the run (and Sofian's lil bash), headed home and got some shut eye for an hour or two.
Nothing particular wrong with this picture either.
Went out to paint Kota Damansara a faint hue of crimson with Elaine that night and helped our flailing economy by going shopping post-dinner.
Saturday, 20th August 2011....
By the time I got home, I was really tired.
Was under the blanket by 11.30pm.
But the mind was not ready to sleep.
I needed to sleep. I have a 20km run scheduled on Sunday.
But the mind was not having any of it.
Check phone.....1am.
Didn't realize time pass that fast when you're struggling to fall asleep.
Check phone....2.30am.
This is not good. Not good at all.
Try and sleep, for crying out loud!!!!!
Check phone.....3.30am.
There goes my Sunday's long run. Sigh.
Check phone.....4am.
I think the alarm was set for 5am.
Next thing I know.....my alarm rings.
I snoozed it.
Considered actually dragging my sorry sleep deprived arse out of bed.
Considered the consequences of not going for the run.
Oh well...I figured the right ankle needed more no-run time for FULL recovery.
(it amazes me the excuses I could come up with when sleep deprived)
Sunday, 21st August 2011....
Sleep was intermittent and fleeting.
I got out of bed, groggy.....tired.....and wondering what day it was.
Absolutely plastered and zombified.
I told myself no way I was gonna let myself nap today.
I was going to get myself out and about and only head back to my bed once fully exhausted.
Was a little short fused and impatient....but luckily no one bear the brunt of it.
Finally..it was time to hit the sack.
It's 1am....I have to go to work tomorrow.....and I'm tossing and turning.
I think (vaguely) I fell into some sort of slumber after only to be awaken at 4am.
More tossing and turning......
The next thing I know........my alarm rings.
Monday, 22nd August 2011.....
I still felt alright at work.
A little confused.....but alright.
A little irritable.....but alright.
A little moody.....but alright.
A little out of focus.....but alright.
In a nutshell.....I felt (or at least I thought I was ) alright.
Thankfully, Monday clinics ended after lunch and I headed home wondering if I should at least take a nap.
The weather was wet and gloomy.....the best kind to head for a swim.
Mr. Anonymous Whatsapp over that he's sick and dying.
I tend to take the dying part rather lightly in view that Mr. Anonymous is rather well known for his dramatic, narcissistic antics.
But I figured if in some turn of event, he really does keel over....then I'd have no one to go cycle with...(especially Andrew and Bryan are on their cycling 'high horse' and refuse to bring me along coz I'm ridiculously slow)
So after my swim, I popped over at Mr. Anonymous' place......to find him well and alive.
(big surprise there rite...)
I felt kinda bad as I was rather irritable with him but thought nothing of it.
(you have to understand that withstanding the traffic getting to USJ makes any normal person irritable)
As I was driving back home.....I got to thinking.......perhaps something isn't right.
I can't sleep......I'm a wee bit moody.......I'm a little bit more sensitive to negative remarks......I'm easily irritable......
I'm also 3 months minus medication.
Then....lightbulb moment.
Omigosh.....please say it's not returning......
That night, I slept. But I woke up again at 3am.
Tuesday, 24th August 2011.....
I woke up....and I felt like shit.
Worse than shit, actually.
I felt like shit ran over by a 2 tonne cement carrying truck, then got peed on by some stray flea infested mongrel.
Yes....I felt exactly like that.
I went to work.....I didn't feel as cheery as I usually am....(and if you've seen me at work in the morning, you'd wanna smack the cheeriness out of me!!!! I'm that happy in the morning!!!!!)
I was also literally dozing off at the table.
Went for tea break in between patients, me and a couple of my colleagues.
As I was recounting my weekend tales of fabulosity, I suddenly felt the urge to cry.
No reason. Nada.
I just wanted to cry.
I wanted to sob and force every single tear drop my lacrimal gland can produce out of my eyes!
I quickly change the subject and did my very best to subdue that urge.
Now I know I needed to talk to someone.
And I need to talk to that someone STAT!!!!!
I called up Aiza but she was busy at the psych clinic.
I didn't wanna be a bother.
I told my colleagues I'm not feeling that well and chucked home early.
I felt like a total mess back home.
I can't sit still. I can't focus...(not like watching E! entertainment channel needed much focusing and concentration)
I felt like screaming....but I don't know why.
In all desperation, I called Grandpa G (whom by the way is officially a 'consultoid' in the psych unit in one of KL's busiest hospitals).
I was sobbing and weeping and goo was leaking from both nostrils.
(I wasn't a pretty sight)
I told him I didn't know what was going on and I felt like my whole entire world was going upside down.
He asked how long I've been without my meds....and a bunch of other questions.
He concluded that I need to get back on them....and pop a benzodiazepine if available.
I have several Clonazepams, I told him.
He didn't even bother asking how I got my hands on them.
He said to just take them.....and speak to someone at the psych clinic tomorrow.....or drive down to KL to see him.
The prospects of not being able to find a decent parking slot put me off driving to his hospital...but the psych clinic at UMMC is just down the corner.
Wednesday, 24th August 2011....
Told the gang at work about my little issue.
Surprisingly very supportive.
And since the clinic was rather empty....(the holiday mood has finally taken its toll), I ran off to meet up with Nusrat...(Aiza was busy with something else)
I told her everything.
From the lack of sleep which I thought nothing off.....to the irritability....and to the suddenness of symptoms which scare the living daylights out of me.
She was reassuring.
Unlike Grandpa G, she didn't think I needed Aripiprazole at the moment.
(I didn't think I left the psych world for too long but apparently I did leave long enough for them to present a credible study stating Aripiprazole being helpful in preventing switching in Bipolar II....I really have to get that study checked out!!!)
She asked if I would like a few days off from work to erm.....sleep.
I said that would be lovely!!!!
Thursday, 25th August 2011....
Day 1 off work.
I really hated the Clonazepam.
It made it groggy the whole entire day....and I keep bumping into things.
I've multiple bruises over my knees and shins to show for it.
Anyway.....I'm glad I'm back on meds.
I'm not as labile as before......my affect is still a tad restricted......and so is my mood.
My appetite, for once in a very long time, seems to be retreating.....which I think is a damn good thing!!!!!
My sleep......still working on it.
And best of all....I don't cry over stupid things anymore!!!! (ok, so it's just D2 of meds, so it's still a bit early to tell.....but I'm hoping the loss of appetite will carry on its effect indefinitely!!!!)
My colleague just texted a while ago to see how I was. She asked what I did the entire day.
I replied...sleep...more sleep....and then I went cycling.
She was rather amused that exercise was still on the menu.
Frankly....if I no longer desire to run, bike or swim.....then for heaven's sake, someone drag me to the nearest psychiatric unit coz then, I'd be this close to being suicidal!!!!
Later!!!!!!